26: The Real Problem Behind School Struggles

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Your child is melting down over today’s assignment and it feels urgent, personal, and unsolvable. But what if the fight, the tears, or the “I hate this class” speech isn’t really about what’s on the page right now?

We break down a simple idea with huge consequences: the problem your child is running into is rarely the real problem. Confusion, resistance, and emotional blowups often trace back to an earlier missed step that the student never noticed. Once they miss that moment, they keep pushing forward, and the current lesson starts to feel meaningless. We talk through how overload can even create physical reactions like headaches and nausea, and why trying to brute-force the current chapter (or paying for tutoring on the wrong point) can waste time and money.

We unpack why a child’s current school struggle is usually a symptom, not the true cause, and why the fix often starts by going earlier to the first missed step. We share a root-cause way to reduce stress, rebuild confidence, and help kids learn without obsessing over grades.

• physical reactions to study overload and too much information
• why confusion, boredom, and anger often start earlier than the current lesson
• the hidden cost of tutoring the wrong point in the sequence
• rejecting labels as solutions and returning to basics like reading skills
• how parents can calm arguments by talking purpose and independence
• checking definitions, reading level, and textbook quality before pushing harder
• turning kids into researchers with libraries and safer online resources
• taking pressure off grades to protect curiosity and make learning fun again

If you want calmer homework nights, stronger study skills, and a kid who feels capable again, listen now. After you finish, subscribe, share this with a parent or teacher, and leave a review with the biggest “earlier step” you’re going to check first.

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Transcript

The Problem Is Not The Problem

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, today we're going to be talking about a very interesting topic that most educators or people trying to help their children are not aware of. And that is that the problem your child, your teen or preteen is running into is never the real problem. It's not the thing that needs to be addressed in order to resolve whatever it is they're dealing with. So, Mike, why don't you explain first to us how this is different than some of the other things that we've talked about? Because we're covering a lot of different topics in our episodes, and then we can dive into how people can today take action to resolve this.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Well, sure. In one of our episodes, we we were talking about the physical reactions that you can have to studying. That's things like your eyes are burning from reading, or you're getting a headache studying, all these all these physical manifestations, nausea and headaches from cramming or studying, or just school in general, can cause these things. There's no doubt that when it's a study-related issue and it's not just malnutrition or drugs or alcohol or something like that, you know, which is a later manifestation of poor studies, if it's not that, and it is in fact coming from the studies, then we know that it's the current subject material that's overbalanced in the direction of just too much information and not enough interaction with physical objects and doing things. Okay? No application or very little application in the real world. And that can cause these physical reactions, just like spinning somebody around real fast or putting them on a merry-go-round on uh high velocity is going to produce physical reactions. Too much information and they're just in their head thinking about it, no matter how hard they study, no matter how you know much they clarify the information and look up words in the dictionary, it's gonna cause these physical problems. That's the current subject. But where there's these this vast panorama of other things, they're confused, they hate, they're they're having emotional reactions, they hate this stuff, they're bored, they're arguing about it, it doesn't

When Studying Triggers Physical Reactions

SPEAKER_00 2:15

make any sense. All that stuff is never stemming from what they think that it comes from. It's not the current material. It's always earlier, it's always simple, it's always back before the person spots it. If they had spotted where they missed some information, they would have just, wait, I must have missed something here. Let's back up and get that thing clarified. No, they that's the problem. They didn't spot it. They keep studying. Now they're confused. They're over here in this new material and they're going, this makes no sense. I don't get it at all. What's going on? And all these reactions all come from the fact that they they did not spot when they got confused. And so to talk that with them about what they are saying they're confused about and hiring tutors to help them with what they're studying now, complete waste of time, complete waste of money. And that's why I here at the Competence Institute, we don't offer tutoring as a service, because that's ridiculous. Why would we tutor somebody on what they're studying when they there's a hundred million different things they could be studying? Right? They might maybe they're try they're studying to become an actor or actress, a stage performer, which is a lot different than studying rocket science. Okay. And so we don't the only reason they're having trouble is because they don't know how to study. Which is what we specialize in. And the parents just have to know that trying to help them, the parents might be powerless and trying to help them or feel powerless and trying to help them with this material that they're studying. Doesn't matter. They don't have to be an expert at the material that they're studying. They just have to know that if they're having a hard time, we need to back it up. Go earlier, let's find out where the confusion actually exists and get them back to that.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Right. Yeah. And I just have to say, from my own experience with this phenomena, there seems to be a tendency to argue that it is what I'm confused about that we need to talk about. Because the first time I had an instructor like yourself tell me, no, no, we're not gonna, I understand that you're you don't understand X, Y, and Z that's on this page that you're looking at, but we need to go earlier. I was totally not gonna let that happen. And it was this whole conversation about why I needed to look earlier before we got to this. And finally, when I came to my senses or whatever you want to say, and we went earlier and cleared it up, the thing that I was confused about just magically made sense. And uh it was very easy to then figure out what I why I wasn't understanding what was in front of me because I cleared up what I was stuck on earlier and didn't realize. There's I think there's some convincing and maybe educating the person that you're working with why you're asking them to go earlier that helps. And even then, at least for me, I was very assertive that I wanted to talk about the thing I thought I was confused about.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Sure, sure. It definitely takes sometimes like kid gloves, so to speak, to to go in and you know, a very gentle approach because it can be startling for somebody, especially especially a very well-educated person like yourself, uh someone who's who has a master's degree or a doctor's degree in some field, to be told that, well, like the the reason why you hate studying or that you're having trouble with this high-level stuff is is because you don't know elementary

Why Confusion Starts Earlier

SPEAKER_00 5:50

school grammar or something like that. It's like it's quite a it's quite a blow, you know. But fortunately, since we're talking mostly about children, it's not that hard to get children to go back and look at things. And and it actually comes as quite a relief to the teenager or preteen to realize that, okay, their difficulty in studying this eighth grade math, whatever that might be, different schools, you know, there's they they develop all kinds of ideas like, well, I'm just not good at math, or I'm just not good at whatever. There's something wrong with me, or I I just don't like that subject. It's actually quite a relief when they find out that that they're not expected to know step 17, or like you say, X, Y, and Z if they haven't mastered A, B, and C. And so let's go back and master A, B, and C and find out where did this go off the rails? And it becomes a relief when you back it up.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

Awesome. Yeah, and I have seen that phenomena in kids as well. Absolutely. So I know, and I think this is on track with what we're talking about, but you often, or at least sometimes, have made the analogy of what we do and the approach we have to helping with education is very root cause. Like we're not dealing with the surface phenomena that most people get caught up in. Can you kind of explain how what you just went over helps a child or parent help their child get to the root cause of why they're having study travel?

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Well, sure. Unfortunately, in America and probably many other places around the world, I'm just mostly familiar with what's going on in the United States. The system has been altered and changed from what it was a hundred years ago, 200 years ago, to a point where it's too easy to just label somebody with a learning disability or say, well, they're dyslexic. You go, well, they can't read, they're dyslexic. But that's ridiculous. That's just a label that says nothing. You go, I mean, you might as well just call somebody fat or something. You go, that's it's just insulting, right? It's bad manners, it's rude. Like, can you imagine a natural health clinician just telling somebody, well, you're you're just fat, that's all. I mean, that's ridiculous, right? That's no, the person wants to be healthy, we're assuming, or they're trying to take steps to correct their health. Let's help them out. Okay, don't just put a label on them, whether it's dyslexic or you're a slow reader, you're good at this, but but don't worry about that. You're don't worry about the fact that you're bad at these things, you're good at these other things. Well, let's not, let's not put them in that category that, like, well, they they can't learn math or they can't learn how to write well or speak well or anything. Let's find out what the person wants to do and then help them do it. And if they're having any difficulty, let's not just take the surface of like, well, you know, well, we did our best. That's a no. Let's dig in and find out what's really going on. Do they have the basics of that subject? Okay, what are the basics of that subject? Let's back it up and find out. And since since we're talking about studying really anything in later schooling as being taught in English, we know that any lack of English reading skills is going to affect everything else. If they cannot decode text from a book, any book, then why are we trying to teach them calculus, right? Or some

Root Cause Over Labels And Tutoring

SPEAKER_00 9:25

high-level math situation, right? Let's let's let's give them a firm grounding in all of the basics and let them progress methodically at their own pace in the things that they want to pursue. Okay. And so just realizing that having a purpose for studying what they want to study and knowing what the application is going to be for studying this information, that's part of, that's part of the root cause. You have to, you have to get down to is the person getting interested in learning about this. And if they're not, why are you trying why are you trying to teach it to them? If you'd like them to be interested, well, let's back it up to a discussion about why this might be useful to know about this stuff. Okay, let's get that across. Okay. Don't just keep cramming information in their head and expect them to take a test and and come away all rainbows and butterflies. You know, it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Oh, that makes a lot of sense. I know. I I wish that had been done for myself in my early learning years for sure. And I I've seen the magic of when it is done. Let me ask you this super practical, because we always want to provide this just a scenario. Parent has a child who's arguing a lot about their schoolwork with their teachers or fellow students in school. How could a parent apply what you've just gone over to their child in that case?

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Well, I think a starting point would be let's let's sit down and and and talk about what's really going on. Let's peel back the layers. Okay, like I know there's all this stuff going on. We've got fights in school or argumentation. Maybe the kid's been suspended from school for a day or two or disciplined in some fashion. Let's let's take the focus off of that, which will immediately destimulate the conversation. Let's not talk about all the trouble going on. Let's talk about why are why are we going to school in the first place? Okay. Why are we going to school? What what why does a child have to go to school at all? And not just to bring it back to like, well, yeah, I don't want to go to school, so that's why you should let me not go to school. That's not the that's not the directs we want to take it. It's like, what's the purpose? We're trying to accomplish certain things. Let's somehow align going to school with the child's own innate purpose of growing up and having their own independence. Let's take the conversation back to that of like of growing up and becoming their own boss, so to speak, becoming independent. Any child wants that. It might be a bit obscured, but with a little careful guidance, it can be gotten back to, yeah, they they do want to grow up. They do want to move out on their own. Maybe they've already tried. They've run away from, oh, you know, something like this for a day or an hour or whatever. They're making those little exits. But if we can get the child to see how their learning path can be aligned towards their own goal of growing up, moving out, and being of some value in society so that they can support themselves, okay, that's a worthwhile conversation. And that'd be a good place to start.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

Okay, great. So parent has had that conversation, they've backed it up to that, gotten some agreement on school and the child's purpose or long-term goals

Parent Steps For Arguments And Classes

SPEAKER_01 12:40

to be independent. Let's say for in this example, the child was having a lot of trouble with social studies and arguing in that class and doesn't like the teacher and all this stuff. What would be the next step to help specifically with this area they're having trouble with called social studies?

SPEAKER_00 12:57

Sure. Well, let's make sure, first of all, they know what the term means, social studies. Let's get it, let's get it defined and let's consult. Maybe let's let's look at the value of the books and texts that they're studying. Maybe they're garbage. Okay. Maybe we need to, maybe we need to, and and maybe they're just, and by garbage, I mean maybe their reading level is, let's say, sixth grade reading level, but they're but they're being made to study this material that's eighth grade, ninth grade, tenth grade material. Okay. So if the real trouble is their reading level, okay, they're gonna hate the social studies that they're studying now. Don't worry about the social studies. Let's back up and and catch up their reading skills, okay? And then maybe their reading skills are up to par, but the the texts that are being used are pure garbage. Okay. Textbook publishers have really changed the curriculum in America to suit a lot of ends that don't assist the child. Okay. Let's turn that child into a researcher. Where can I find this information? Where can we get this information? Do they know how to go and uh check out books at the library? Can they look things up safely on the internet? These are these are things the parent should should help the child to be able to do. And there's lots of resources, lots of child safe resources available. You just have to look for them and ask questions and find out where are these resources? How can I, how can I get my child in a position of being the in the driver's seat in terms of choosing texts and looking up information and getting what they need to be able to make their own evaluation of whatever subject it is that they're studying. It may or may not help. It may or may not help their grades if they're being tested on only text XYZ in school. Well, okay, let's not worry about their grades if they're being tested against text XYZ. Let's help the child understand the area as the primary thing. Okay. Let's help them form their own opinions and evaluations and feel very certain about what it is that they're studying. If they can manage to do well on those tests in school, great. But if not, let's preserve that child's desire to learn and their ability to study things as topmost, not their grades.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Yeah, I love that priority. I feel like it's got so much more integrity than just going for a score on a test that may or may not lead to long-term happiness and success for your child, right? So awesome. Okay, great. Well, I think that sums it up. Keep it on point and very succinct. These are tools that anyone listening, child or parent, can start applying right now to improve the ability to understand. I mean, we took up being in an argument, but like you said earlier, it could be confusion or some other mental state that occurred because of a lack of understanding. So let's wrap it up on this. Is there anything else that you would like to mention in regards to this particular subject before we end off?

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Well, I'll just say this. I have seen a lot of emotional reactions to studying. Lots of anger and crying and apathy and disappointment and all these things. And it's so vital to get the stress off of the student, off of the child, away from the grades, away from the utter importance of the immediate situation, and back things up to a

Take Off The Pressure And Make It Fun

SPEAKER_00 16:35

cooperative endeavor where where the child knows that the parents have the child's best interests that align towards their goal of growing up and being competent in the real world. Okay. Forget about if it's if we if we stick on the important and utterly dire situation, oh my gosh, you know, it's just like this the kid, the kid's just gonna wind up, you know, in a bad way. I'll just say that. And uh so let's take the stress and importance off of the grades and the the seriousness of the current situation and let's get it back to making learning fun again. Let's back it up to something that's fun. What can we do that's fun? Maybe kicking the books around the kitchen floor would be fun. Let's do that for a while, right? And then and then let's let's progress from there in the direction of having fun again with learning.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Love it. Love it, love it. That is so cool. Okay, great. We'll end off on that for today. Thank you everybody for listening, and we'll see you in the next episode.